I stopped drinking when my son was 11 years old. It was (and remains) the single most important parenting decision I’ve ever made.
To be clear and present for my kid is something that should have been a natural consequence of motherhood for me. Unfortunately, it was not. My drinking increased after my son was born and it would take me years of thinking it was fine, when it absolutely was not fine.
It’s only in hindsight that I can see I obviously had postpartum depression, coupled with postpartum anxiety. I used alcohol to help me quell some of my anxieties + I thought it helped me to be social at my job (owning + running a wine bar). It very quickly became a problem, but for a long time I thought drinking helped me appear as if I had it all together. On the contrary, my overwhelming fear of motherhood swallowed me whole during those early years of his childhood and slowly eroded my sense of self.
It’s taken almost a decade to get to a place where I have forgiven myself for my lapse in judgement all those years ago - choosing friends, local bars + dinner parties over my family.
As the years have gone by, I’ve truly forgiven that version of myself because I accept the fact that I can’t change the past.
I live my amends to my son by showing up for him in ways I never could before when I was in my addiction.
We talk about things I never could have talked to my parents about. I’m so in awe of his surfing, following his passion with the outdoors + creating beauty with his art.
We have a healthy respect for one another. I love him more than anyone or anything.
He loves his family, shares in our inside jokes + general all-around silliness. His meme game is strong, too.
He likes to spend time together around a table collaging with me, searching for the next best burrito spot in town, watching shows + introducing me to music he thinks I’ll like.
For some reason, he continues to get taller, more handsome + kinder.
Getting sober gave me another chance to get it right with him.
I’ll be forever grateful I found the nerve to tell the truth on myself to my doctor in 2015, quit drinking + stay the course on this path to self-forgiveness, spirituality, connection with a higher power + recovery.
I have a healthy relationship with my 21-year old son now. I’m immensely proud of the young man he’s become. It’s often thought that we raise our children but I think it’s quite the opposite, I think he’s helped raise me.
I’m grateful for his wit, wisdom + mellow disposition, along with his independence, strength + big heart.
A long time ago, a friend of mine told me that “you’re not raising a little boy, you’re actually raising a young man.”
I’m so proud to be Grady’s mom.
xo, Tammi
A big thank you to all of you who subscribe (free or paid subscriptions). It has given me the confidence to write + share again on this platform. And, podcast, too. I feel like I’m getting my groove back. I’m grateful for you.
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Teary reading about your deep respect and love for Grady. It can be easily seen in the way he moves in the world.
Happy birthing 💕
Happy 21st birthday to Grady! Love the love in these photos, Tammi. Your smiles are evidence of your great relationship. ❤️